32 Lessons in 32 Years
I turn 32 next Sunday. I feel 32. My knees hurt and I’m a new dad. I can finally relate a bit to my parents, and I feel firmly my age for the first time in a long time. I’m still actively learning a lot of the lessons below. Here’s to hoping I will get to write a list of 33 next year if all goes well. In no particular order, here are 32 lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn.
Trust your gut. Your intuition. God. That little voice in your head. I’ve almost always regretted the times that my body was screaming at me to do something and I didn’t. Or, telling me not to do something that I ended up doing. Of course, there are caveats here, but overall I’ve never missed when I follow that still, small voice giving me advice and warnings.
Take breaks from things. Alcohol, people, work, striving. They can be small breaks, too. Sometimes we are just like old PlayStations. Turn us off for a little while and we run as good as new when we’re turned back on.
Do things you can’t stop thinking about. I’ve been very good at dreaming, making lists of things I’d like to do “someday”, and thinking about the future. But it’s so much more productive to actually do the thing, and not just think about doing it or talk about doing it. As I look back at times I’ve been most satisfied with myself and most confident, it’s when I’ve been a doer vs. a wait and thinker.
Take a breath. Similar to taking breaks, I’ve found it’s good to take a breath before responding - to things that are challenging, mostly. Wait 24 hours before responding to a mean email or to someone you’re upset with. Recalibrate yourself so you’re not reacting, but responding. In my personal relationships, I’ve found that when I take a second to take a breath, I have a more calm, thoughtful response. I’ve heard that it’s not the first thought that makes you who you are, but the second. Take a breath and get to that second thought.
Carve out time. Make time for your values and things that build you up. For me, this is exercise, creative work, friends and family, cooking, and reading. If it’s not scheduled, it often won’t happen. I do believe your calendar shows your priorities. We only have so much time and we are all “busy” to a certain degree. Make time for things and people you love and want to stay in connection with. Be the reacher outer, and appreciate the reacher outer in your life (and tell them you appreciate what they do). “Tell me what you value and I might believe you,” management guru Peter Drucker once said, “but show me your calendar and your bank statement, and I’ll show you what you really value.”
Acknowledge often. Have you ever given someone a random compliment and seen the look of surprise on their face? We should be doing that for people we love. Send affirmations to people you care about. If someone means a lot to you, tell them that, and tell them why. Tell your wife she’s beautiful every day. Think about ways daily to make others feel good. I get so lost sometimes in my own thoughts, needs, and feelings. I also get lost in how those things impact others. But I always, always feel better when I make someone else feel good.
Pet Your dog. And give him belly rubs and extra snacks. Take him on a walk, even when you don’t feel like it, even if it’s the 10th straight day of below-zero weather in a Minnesota February. He’s still here and should be for a while, but you’re acutely aware of how limited your time together is. Dogs need acknowledgment, too.
Just call. Texts have their purpose, but just call people when want to have a conversation. It’s kind of a novelty at this time when we mostly communicate with our fingers on our machines. Calls feel more personal and confident now, and I like that. I always feel good when an old friend gives me a call, so I make a personal note to myself that I need to do it more often.
Marry well. My life is so much better because I married my wife. I think the right relationships open doors, make you more of who you want to be, and allow you both freedom to be who you want, and the discipline to do the right things. My wife checks all the boxes there are, and it’s made my life so much better.
You’re not going to make everyone happy. I’m a people pleaser by nature and I don’t like saying no, but I’ve also entered my era of boundaries. I don’t like when people are upset with me, but I’ve also learned it’s okay if they are. There are too many things I need to do and people that I’d like to prioritize. It’s okay to let some people down. Ultimately, unspoken expectations aren’t real, and they aren’t up to you to feel bad about.
Go for a walk. There’s almost nothing that hasn’t been made better in my life by going for a walk. When my wife and I aren’t understanding each other, we will often suggest a walk to get the willies out. It helps me feel like I’ve done something on the days I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. If I’m sorting through work troubles, relational issues, or need to sort through something creatively, a walk will almost always take care of business. And, Demons hate fresh air.
Set up your day. Spend a few minutes each night thinking through what you want your tomorrow to look like. Spend a few minutes each morning setting up a plan. Getting into this habit has made my life so much better. With that being said, though…
Don’t talk about it, be about it. I’ve spent a good amount of my life making lists, making plans, and making resolutions. Those things are often good first steps. But, they also can be substitutes for the real thing. Every year I’ve made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. Each year I’ve made that resolution, I think I’ve gained weight or ended up the same. Besides generally being a bad resolution, I spend more time making plans to lose weight than I do actually doing things that would help me towards that goal. When I actually just get to work on things, it’s amazing what I can get done. I put off starting a garden for a while. Then one day, with very little research, I just started. And because of that, we now have a freezer full of tomatoes, eggplants, and lemongrass. I made plenty of mistakes and learned so much. I’m convinced if I didn’t just get started with a plan to learn along the way, I likely wouldn’t have done it. The momentum helped me learn and put me in a better position to have a much better garden this year. The action was the critical part. You have to get to it in order to get through it.
Bookend your days. Since becoming a dad, this is even more important for me. We generally don’t control what the middle part of the day looks like. But, many of us have at least a few minutes (or more) at the beginning and end of our days to get some wins. Some selfish/selfless time. My days go better when I control little things at the beginning and the end.
We’re all selfish, and that can be a good thing. No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. Or, at all. That’s freeing when you think about it.
This time next year, you’ll wish you started today. Whatever you start today, future you will be thankful for. Or, future you will be upset because of it. If you start drinking more alcohol today, future you might be a little pissed off. But if you start a journaling habit today, I think future you will be grateful. The time will pass anyway.
The 40-hour workweek is a sham. Anyone who says they’re actually working more than 40 hours per week is likely wasting a good chunk of that time. Don’t listen to people who brag about how many hours they work.
Be the connector, always. When I was younger I didn’t have many friends. I don’t feel like I had a real best friend until I got to college. I was always the “quiet kid” or “the shy kid”. Somehow, someway, I feel like I am more of a connector of people now. A major part of that is just deciding to host things or set up events where my friends can get together. And whenever we do that, I feel energized (and I think others do too). It’s in your best interest to be the connector whenever you can. Instead of wondering why someone else isn’t doing it, just do it yourself.
Go to the library. I have thousands of dollars worth of books scattered around my house. I don’t say that with pride. While I don’t regret having all of these books - there are hundreds of thousands (millions??) of ideas, dreams, and experiences from others that I always have access to now - I could have so much more money than I do now if I would have utilized the magical, mostly free resource that is the public library. Get a library card and don’t look back. Buy the books you can’t stop thinking about.
Minimalism isn’t for me. I love a warm house filled with physical photos, books, notes everywhere, and physical reminders that we’re here. I tell my wife “we live in a home, not a museum” whenever she gets stressed about the state of our space. I agree that living in a dumpster isn’t for us, and that cleanliness amplifies the hominess I’m describing here. But there’s something about physical items that showcase our personality. Let your spirit shine through your space, and drop the trend of minimalism from your life if it doesn’t light you up.
Drop the offense. There have been multiple times in my life when I’ve been interested in being offended by others. There’s power in being a victim to a certain degree. One of my life lessons is that people aren’t thinking about you and that it’s a good thing they aren’t. On the same note, stop being offended by things for the sake of being offended. People all have a right to say what they want, but it doesn’t make them right, and it doesn’t make their opinions valuable - to you. Keanu Reaves said “I’m at that stage in life where I stay out of discussions. Even if you say 1+1=5, you’re right. Have fun”, and that’s where I’m at as well.
Add by subtracting. “No” is a powerful word. I didn’t learn how to use it effectively until recently, and I’m still learning. Deciding what you aren’t going to do is almost as powerful as deciding what you are going to do.
Start a family if you want, however you can. Since I was younger, I knew I wanted to be a dad. I knew I wanted that no matter what - biological kids, by adopting, whatever. I waited until I was with the right person (absolutely a smart idea), but having my son has been the life experience of life experiences. People always say “I don’t remember life without my child”, and I never got it until now. I can’t believe there was a time that my boy didn’t exist. It’s wild and rewarding, and the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“You don’t have to be anywhere. You don’t have to do anything. All that pressure is in your head. It’s all made up.” - Ryan Holiday
Stretch before you work out. I always thought it was funny that older guys needed to get a 30-minute warm-up in before a workout. That was until I pulled my groin playing kickball two years ago. Cold machines don’t run as well when they get to a certain age.
Say thanks before bed. Last year I started just saying a quick prayer before bed saying thank you for my family and friends and life. I know it’s all pretty fleeting and being grateful for it has helped my perspective. It helps me sleep a little better at night.
See a therapist, guys. I appreciate that more and more guys are seeing therapists. I also think it’s great when we are open with each other about it. I see a therapist for two main reasons. One, I want to limit any generational issues that I could pass on to my kids, and I want to be the best for my family, friends, and myself. Second, I don’t want to burden others. It’s amazing having someone who doesn’t know your family or friends listen to your issues and frustrations. And, to give you actual tangible tools to help. It’s worth it.
When in doubt, sweat. This is like the walking lesson. I know that my well-being is so much better if I get in a good workout and get into a sauna or steam room. Or I’ll sit in my car for a little longer after a workout in the hotter parts of the summer. I’m better for me and for those around me when I get out some of the internal toxins (literally and figuratively).
Give yourself the gift of alone time. Fill up your cup so you can fill others.
Slow down.
Eat vegetables. They’re good when you know how to cook them.
Grow a garden. A full food forest, a small backyard garden, a balcony or patio garden, or plant some herbs in an old pickle jar. There’s just something about eating what you’ve grown and cared for that aligns you back with our natural origins. You’ll learn lessons about patience, failure, and success. Good things take time. Sometimes you need to prune to get a better harvest. You reap what you sow. Grow a garden.